December 13, 2007

Your dog is peeing more than usual. Every couple of feet she squats down and leaves another red puddle on the ground.

“Wait a second,” you say. “Pee isn’t supposed to be red!”

So you call your vet who tells you to bring her in for a visit. “Oh, and bring a urine sample,” she says.

Easier said than done, lady. Sure, teh internets make it sound painless enough (step 1: attach aluminum pie pan to broomstick; step 2: “simply place the pan in the urine flow”). But you have to admit that what you read on teh internets doesn’t sound nearly as much fun as getting bloody dog pee all over your hands.

So forget about attaching a pie pan to a broomstick. Use your hands instead. Simply take your dog outside, arm yourself with a Styrofoam desert plate, and when your dog squats to pee just jab the tiny plate “in the urine flow.” You’re essentially guaranteed to startle the dog who will then proceeed to piss as much on your hands as in the tiny plate.

The pee will feel somewhat warm and comforting in the cold winter air. Drip as much pee from your hands into a container as you can, and rush through the rain with your dog to see the vet. Hand her still warm pee.

Congrats! Your dog has a bladder infection. Bladder infections are fun for everyone.