Technical Interview Day
December 14, 2005
Today I put on my fancy suit and rode down to Guelph for an interview. They’re hiring technical writers down there, and I always wanted to be able to say, “Hey baby, I’m a writer.” I’m excited about the job, but interviews make me nervous mainly because I don’t understand the questions they’re asking.
“Tell us about you,” she said.
“My favourite word is splintered,” I answered.
“Good,” she said, reassured. “Now fill out this personality profile. There are no wrong answers.”
“I have a personality. I placed it in my jacket pocket, and look how it bulges outwards!” I filled out happy, happy questions and thought about a day earlier when Laura and I fought about the interview.
“If I get the job I might have to move back to Waterloo,” I said. “With your parents? Grow up,” she said. “What does that mean?” I asked. “Buy your own socks and underwear for god’s sake,” she said. “I find clothing restrictive in general,” I said. “Do you think there’s any sense carrying on this relationship?” she asked. “Damn,” I thought, “I always get dumped at Christmas.” But we cried and hugged, and soon she was jumping on my bladder.
The interview continued. “And now I’m going to throw out some acronyms. Blink quickly — we’re measuring eye movement.”
“COBIT.”
Blink. Blink.
“ITIL.”
Blink. Blink. Blink.
After the interview I went to Tim Hortons where men in safety vests were talking in code. “When I say ‘the firehouse is red’ it really means I want to go home,” the burly one said.
Posted by Tudor at 10:01 PM in Here & There | TrackBackThe tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can’t. Not without your help. But you’re not helping.
Posted by: corwin on December 14, 2005 at 10:13 PMDescribe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.
Posted by: corwin on December 14, 2005 at 10:15 PMmy mother? yeah, i’ll tell you about my mother …
i’m not a replicant. really.
Posted by: Tudor on December 14, 2005 at 10:38 PMIt would explain a hell of a lot.
Posted by: regan on December 14, 2005 at 10:49 PM“There are no wrong answers.” Yeah, right. But there are the answers that won’t get you hired. I remember taking one of these “personality tests” for a job interview once. The test was administered by someone who clearly had the IQ of a post-it note, and was “passed” by many who I deemed certifiably insane.
Posted by: jules on December 15, 2005 at 03:52 AMThey made you do WHAT?
Did you get the memo that all tech writers are clearly insane, and therefore if you look too normal you will totally not get the job?
PS - hopefully buying 2 bedroom condo this week… if you want a place to stay that doesn’t include parents, I will happily hand you a pair of keys. An insane roommate that WON’T drive me nuts and that has a kick-ass girlfriend? SOLD!
Well, they asked me about cows. If they were in the field, and risked escaping through a hole in the fence, and I had only a hammer to fix it with, but the hammer broke, what would I do?
I still don’t know if I got that one right. But I got the job, so perhaps there’s hope. Splintered is a cool word.
Posted by: martin on December 15, 2005 at 08:21 AMTechnical writer would be cooooool… then it would be like techna-writer-photoroam. :D
Posted by: Jason on December 15, 2005 at 09:48 AMMaster Splinter[ed]? That’s some awesome Turtle Power.
Posted by: Laura on December 15, 2005 at 10:47 AM![Master Splinter[ed]?](http://home.comcast.net/~bludney/images/Master_Splinter_Sm.jpg/){kind=link}
and so what if I suck at linkage?
Posted by: Laura on December 15, 2005 at 10:49 AMLaura must get bonus points for effort..
Posted by: Jackie on December 15, 2005 at 11:23 AMTech writing is a pretty harsh deal… basically they require that you stamp any and all creativity out of your writing as you detail step-by-step instructions for printing off a financial report that’ll appear in a help file that nobody reads. It’s a thankless motherfucker of a job… but maybe you can hide some easter eggs in the sea of acronyms?
Posted by: Clemens on December 15, 2005 at 11:53 AMAnd here’s double bonus points and an E+ for Effort: Master Splinter[ed]! Turtle Power! Yayy determination. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep tonight had I not remedied the situation. Now I am awesome.
Posted by: Laura on December 15, 2005 at 12:17 PM![Master Splinter[ed]!](http://home.comcast.net/~bludney/images/Master_Splinter_Sm.jpg){kind=link}
Tsk tsk Clemens, it’s not THAT bad.
You have to follow a pattern that doesn’t include humour or personality in a manual, but a tech writing job is never just the writing thing. I have a lot of fun at my job. In fact, I think I actually like it. No, really. I didn’t hit my head today.
you’re just awesome, opal. thanks for the key offering. I may yet take you up on it :). wow. condos.
And Clemens, tech writers are the high priests of technology — they’re there to mediate between people and the machine. It’s not a bad job to have when the machines will take over the world.
Posted by: Tudor on December 15, 2005 at 09:02 PMI guess it all depends on what tech you’re writing about… I did software manuals for an archaic MMS program that was way to geriatric to ever become my master. The way you describe it sounds a lot cooler though, like maybe being a technotronic version of a WWII Jewish capo, selling your human brothers to the machine just so you can have marginally better optic implants than everyone else.
Posted by: Clemens on December 16, 2005 at 12:06 AMI don’t know how you’d get to this job, but you might try this as well…?
http://www.ugdsb.on.ca/html/human_resources/employment/ext_OCT.htm